The listing of this $35 million mansion — called Champ d'Or (not pretentious or anything) — located only 15 minutes from Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport would make you think it is the most desirable place in the world: 

“Champ d'Or, a magnificent work of art that is the product of five years of meticulous planning, construction and craftsmanship, is comprised of over 35,000 square feet in the main house, a pool and tennis house, outdoor swimming pool, tennis court, adjacent lake, and up to 25 acres of beautiful treed property,” it says. 

Well, this “magnificent work of art” has never been lived in.

The original owners spent five years building it before finishing it in 2002. They then decided the ginormous house was just much too big, immediately putting it up for sale. 

And on sale is where it has stayed.

The mansion cost $46 million to build, and the owners put it up for sale at $45 million. For eight years it jumped prices ranging fro $35 million to $72 million, and is now such a pain in the owners’ necks that they have decided to put it up for auction on March 30 with a reserve price of $10.3 million — though the listing still puts it at worth $35 million. 

So why has no one snapped this gem off the market? Same reason as the owners: It’s too dang big!

The house — with absolutely no one living there — currently requires four full time staff members just to keep it up.

In addition to a mortgage that comes to more than $130,000 a month, who can afford to hire a staff to keep up with such luxuries as a veranda with seating for 450 people; three kitchens: Private, staff and catering; an ionized lap pool off the master suite; a soundproof theater with adjacent lobby; a two-story Chanel-styled closet complete with a hair salon; a commercial-sized laundry room with a sheet press; and a giftwrap room?

I mean, honestly. Even the world’s richest and famous-est don’t want to deal with all that upkeep. 

Joan Eleazer of Sotheby’s International Realty, who is a veteran of big money sales, is selling the home. As it turns out, she tried to sell this home once before when it first went on the market. Hopefully she’ll have more luck with the auction this time. 

Even though this home is uber-luxury and absolutely nothing like anything else in Hickory Creek, Texas, the home is clearly not as appealing as these New York luxury homes that seem to be flying off the shelf.

Evidently ultra-lux is what the wealthy want way up North, but not down in Hickory Creek.

Just for fun, let’s take a gander at the Dallas-area rich and famous that might go for a two-lane bowling alley in their home and a veranda that can seat their entire posse. After all, half of Texas’ billionaires do live in DFW. One of them will want this thing, right? 

Alice Walton, heir of the Wal-Mart fortune, currently lives outside of Fort Worth on a ranch in a modest one-story 4,432 square foot home (time to upgrade!). The Champ d’Or would provide plenty of space for her cows and horses on its 36 rolling acres. Plus, she’s worth $23.3 billion, so $35 million is functionally pocket change.

Ross Perot, a Dallas resident, could afford to buy the home without batting an eye. He’s worth a cool $1.4 billion. But there’s little chance he’ll leave his home on coveted Strait Lane in Dallas' Old Preston Hollow neighborhood. His home, worth a measly $18 million, is chump change compared to Champ d’Or.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban could also afford the house — he’s worth almost double what Perot is. His home, also in Preston Hollow, is probably enough for him though. With six garages and five wet bars, what more does a sports fan really need? 

Or – DUH! – what about Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom. Of course that posh celebrity (why, exactly, is she a celebrity?) needs a two-story Chanel-ized closet and her own hair salon! Unfortunately, the two settled on a high-rise condo at the W Dallas Victory Hotel & Residences in January. And given that they're only paying $7,500 a month for their new digs, they would probably bug out at the thought of a mortgage payment that’s more than 17 times that. 

All of my guesses have come up short. Hopefully the auction brings out an unexpected millionaire looking for high-class luxury in the Texas countryside, because I’ve got nothin’.
Follow Jessica on Twitter at @JessicaHuseman