We just completed day two of the Mortgage Servicing Conference hosted by SourceMedia here in Dallas.

Lending Reporter Brena Swanson and I have already published a few articles on key themes from the conference, but I thought I’d take this opportunity to share my thoughts on what a mortgage servicing conference would sound like if attendees took a hefty shot of truth serum before arriving.

Unfortunately, I have traveled to enough mortgage servicing conferences to compile a list of “Funny things I wish I heard at the mortgage servicing conference.”

So here goes. Here is what a conference would sound like with a touch of ‘truthiness’ thrown in.

Random loan servicer: Hey, Sally, my portfolio’s average credit score is 550, what’s yours?

Sally: Six Hundred. Beat that!

Someone from a housing agency: I can beat that. No one gets into my portfolio without buying me dinner first and having at least a 720 credit score. Okay, the dinner is optional

Random person from the government: No. I don’t think the GSEs are going away, which is basically what I said at the last conference, but no one in Congress believes me, so I’m here to tell you again. And when I see you at the next conference, I will probably say the same thing, but I will do so wearing a purple shirt instead.  

Servicer to property preservation firm: If I pay you to cut the grass, board up the windows and clean the patio, do you think you could at least throw in a paint job for free?

Housing economist to the industry: Basically, I’m not a psychic, okay. I don’t know when jobs will come back, giving your kid enough dough so he can qualify for a mortgage and move out of your basement. But, other than that, I classify the recovery as moderately optimistic and expect 2014 to be way better than 2013.

Servicers to housing agency: What do you mean you’re not buying 650 FICO loans with a 62 DTI? When did that happen?

Housing agency in response: Oh, about five years ago.

NJ-based property preservation firm: Everything is bad in New Jersey. The judicial foreclosure timelines are too long; the area has too many foreclosures to board up; and in my old age, Bruce Springsteen even seems lame. I may have to move to Vermont. 

Anonymous industry person from California: I swear we’re in another real estate bubble. Why won’t you people believe me!!!